Addicted to you

I initial set out to write a blog post detailing the hell I went through while I was dating an addict for four years but things…evolved.

I soon realized I didn’t need to go into detail about him stealing over $1,000 of my money to go buy drugs over the course of our relationship or the fact that he would constantly flirt with other girls or even that he built an upside down crucifix out of steel and cotton balls soaked in acetone and lit it on fire in front of my house for no reason at all. I didn’t think it would be fair to him, but oops I already said it.

While writing the major milestone of my past relationship and continually going off on tangents regarding certain instances I realized I never really dealt with what happened to me.

I dated someone who loved alcohol and heroin more than they ever loved me. How do you think that makes a person feel? Knowing that the person you are madly in love with would trade you in for simply just five more minutes of being high.

It makes you feel pretty damn worthless and small.

My initial “vision” was to write about my experiences in hopes that not only would it be therapeutic for me to pour my heart out but also maybe I could potentially help someone going through a similar situation.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure if me detailing what it was like watching my ex-boyfriend overdose while driving me home would be helpful to others but it sure did bring back up some emotions that I buried deep, deep down.

I never dealt with what was done to me by him. And honestly he really fucked me up.

When I first met him I was a strong and independent woman who knew what she wanted out of life but the second we started dating I was immediately obsessed with him.

I think the words “obsessed” and “infatuated” work perfectly for my situation because my world revolved around him at all times no matter what. My feelings didn’t really matter to me at some points as long as he was happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I was in fact in love with him. But the best way to describe our relationship is by saying:  he was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to him.

For four years he put me through some tough shit, but did anyone really know about it? No. I still posted loving photos of us all over social media exclaiming my love for him even if ten minute before we were in a screaming match over him ignoring me for days. You’d think I would see a pattern and just quite him, but I couldn’t.
I needed him. (Well so I thought.)

Feeling like you need another person with every ounce of your being is a very hollowing and lonely feeling. It’s also extremely pathetic and deep down I knew that. But I didn’t care.

I remember people constantly tell me “how strong” I was for sticking by him through his drug and alcohol addiction and not only supporting him emotionally but also attending his alcohol anonymous meetings with him so he didn’t feel so alone. But honestly that’s not strength.

It’s weakness.

I was too weak to stand up for myself and leave him.

I felt like I couldn’t live without him and I accepted the fact that dealing with his addiction and bi-polar outburst were just going to be something I was going to have to deal with. And I was honestly okay with that.

I was settling for someone who didn’t value me whatsoever.

You’re probably thinking there must have been a turning point where I finally stood up and told him that I was worth more than this and that I deserved better.

But you’d be wrong.

I was a coward and I let him destroy me one last time by breaking up with me while we were in a counseling meeting with the head of the rehab center he was attending. (Yep you’re right! I even stood by him as he attended rehab and drove to see him and take him out once a week.)

And even while breaking up with me he didn’t admit any of the horrible things he put me through or did to me. He placed all the blame on me once again.

I was devastated to say the least.

At this point you’d think I’d just be a bitter and emotionless shell of a person and honestly I am. But it’s starting to fade.

Him making me feel worthless on countless occasions was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

The memories that I have of that relationship will be with me forever but the pain and hurt that was inflicted on me constantly for four years will go away eventually.

It may not be gone yet, even after over a year of us being separated but it will go away.

And knowing that keeps me going.

Surviving a toxic relationship is draining but it’s possible. It’s possible to even come out on top even though it’s not easy.

I’m a perfect example of that.

New Year, New Goals

2016 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I graduated college, bought myself a brand new car, started working in corporate America and I’m finally in a loving and healthy relationship.

I know a lot of people feel like 2016 was a shit show….which it was for the most part, but there was also a lot of good that happened. I wanted to have this positive mindset going into 2017 and stop focusing so heavily on the negative like I previous have.

While thinking over all of the positive things that occurred and the lifelong goals that I obtained in 2016, it got me thinking about my 2017 resolutions. Every single year I pledge to lose x amount of weight and a laundry list of other things that I never accomplish, which then in return makes me feel like shit. So I decided to do something a little different this year.

I ask my boyfriend to write 10 goals he wants for me, himself and our relationship in 2017 and I did the same. Personally I think setting goals makes my new years “resolution” seems more attainable since these goals are not confined to just 1 year—like a resolution typically is.

This activity was honestly really fun! My boyfriend was so down to write out these goals and this discuss them with me once we both had finished. The funny part is is that most of our goals for each other, ourselves and our relationship were pretty damn identical, which made even more sure of our relationship!

Here are the top 10 goals that my boyfriend and I collectively came up with for our relationship:

  1. Support each other no matter what.
  2. Learn how to save money. (75% of each pay check goes into our savings account)
  3. Have at least 1 date night a week.
  4. Disconnect from our electronics when we’re together.
  5. Cultivate a common interest and actually do it.
  6. Eat mindfully and sweat together at least 3 times a week.
  7. Slow down and enjoy the little things more.
  8. Move out sometime within 2017 to 2018.
  9. Let go of toxic people in our lives and make more effort with the positive people.
  10. Make more time for friends and family. (Time away from each other is a good thing)

I challenge everyone to write out their goals for 2017. To make it even easier you can write out a list of short-term and long-term goals. Not only does this activity get you excited for what the next year holds, but it also starts off the year on a positive note.

I pray that 2017 brings more love and less hate, more curiosity and less following the crowd, more open-mindedness and less ignorance and so much more to us all as a people.

Here’s to a wonderful 2017!

Valentine’s Day for new couples

I recently, and by recently I mean like a few days ago, started dating a guy. We’ve been talking for a few months now but I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship until recently. So naturally, we’ve already discussed Valentine’s Day. I personally wanted to do something super mellow and small since it’s a new thing and because I’m just not that into Valentines Day. But on the other hand, he wanted to go all out since I would be his first real Valentine. (Super cute, I know!) Thankfully I talked him down and we compromised to a nice little picnic in the park and gifting each other something small.

But sometimes talking about Valentine’s Days with your new significant other can be awkward. You don’t want to see too eager to get all lovey-dovey and you also don’t want to seem like an asshole for not wanting to do anything.

Let me make it simple for you guys.

Ease into. Bring up the topic with something casual like, “Hey I know we just recently got together but I was wondering if you wanted to do something for Valentine’s Day. Nothing crazy, just something casual and easy-going.” This will open up the conversation and help you both compromise on what to do.

But just be sure to state what you’re comfortable with. If you’re not ready to go all out and go to a five-star restaurant and exchange expensive gifts, then tell them. It’s also good to set a price limit on gifts during the beginning of the relationship. It’s better to just be honest than feel the pressure of something you’re either not ready for or just not comfortable with.

Below I’ve listed a few simple things that you can do on Valentines Day that pretty much take all the stress and pressure out of trying to plan something romantic but not too romantic for new couples.

Where to go:
1. Go to the aquarium
Taking your significant other to the aquarium is very romantic, yet not over the top. The best part about going to the aquarium is watching your them in amazement and awe of the beautiful sea creatures. (I’m an observer)
2. Picnic in the park
Go to Trader Joes and pick up some artisan cheese, multi-grain crackers, fruit and wine and head to a cute, quiet nearby park. (Bonus points: bring some bread and feed the ducks. But steer clear of the geese. Those fuckers are mean and will chase you down.)
3. Grab brunch/lunch
Bottomless mimosas.
4. Movie marathon
Grab some popcorn, snacks and candy and jump into bed with a Netflix marathon. You can pretend to watch all 8 seasons of Dexters as you suck each others faces off in-between stuffing your face with fatty food.
5. Cook together
Decide on something to cook, then to to the grocery store to grab all the ingredients and then playfully make dinner together.

What to give:
1. Their favorite alcoholic beverage
Grab their favorite bottle of whiskey or go-to wine and share a few glasses together. (Or even the whole bottle, no judgement)
2. Homemade goods
It’s a proven fact that no one will turn down freshly baked brownies or chocolate covered strawberries.
3. Get them a gift card
Keep it simple and under $50.
4. Give them your favorite book or movie
This gift is like giving them a little piece of you.

Digital Dating

I recently went through a breakup with a guy that I had been seriously dating for around four years. It sucked but I survived.

But after I got through the ugly crying, constant bloodshot eyes and countless bottles of wines stage I started thinking about getting back out there. And the first thought that crossed my mind was, “Oh fuck” followed by “I don’t even remember how to date, let alone flirt with a guy.”

My ex was my first boyfriend and I was with him since I was 18 so I didn’t even remember how to approach a hot guy since I was used to just having him. I honestly didn’t even know where to start. So like any heartbroken and horny girl…I decided to download Tinder.

My experience with Tinder was pretty typical. I matched with quiet a lot of people, received countless unwanted dick pics and met up with some pretty chill guys. I wasn’t looking for anything serious but I also wasn’t looking for just a fuck buddy. (Which apparently are the only two types of guys that are on Tinder)

More recently I decided to download Bumble and Hinge since my friend suggested them to me and she loves living viciously through me. To be honest, I downloaded these two apps for research purposes only and I only kept them for about two weeks.

After exploring each app I found out there was a lot of similarities between the three “dating” apps. And I say “dating” apps in quotations because honestly most people use these apps to fuck or hookup. It’s the truth and we all know it. So to all the ladies saying, “I’m not like other girls” and the fellas saying, “NO HOOKUPS!” in their bio just stop and be honest about what you want. Everyone on these apps want to get it in. Yes, I understand there may be a few exceptions but for the most part this is the case.

I first checked out Bumble and I actually really liked it. It took me a little while to get the hang of it but once I did I went on a-swiping. I think I swiped right more on Bumble than I ever did on Tinder and I was on Tinder for months before I joined Bumble and I only had it for a week or two. So what I mean by that is there are SO many hot guys on Bumble, like so many that I honestly kept thinking, “Bumble must hire these hot guys to make profiles to get more girls on their apps.” There was a suspicious number of hot guys.

Hinge was a different story. I didn’t really like it at all. It only let you swipe through a small number of people before it would tell you to come back later to swipe more, which I thought was weird. The only thigk I liked about Hinge is the fact that it asks you “are you into ________” and you can click yes or no and it would show you more people that had similar interests.

So for the most part I enjoyed my experience with online or app “dating” but I personally had the most success on Tinder. I met a few guys that I literally only met up with to hook up with (because girls have needs to!) but I also met some cool guys that I’ve stayed friends with (strictly platonic). So I urge people to download literally every single “dating” site there is and find out which one fits your needs and run with it!

Here’s a list of the pros and cons of the sites that I researched!

Tinder:
Pros:
-Easy to use
-There are a large number of people on the app

Cons:
-There are a lot of automated messages from “fake” profiles (guys tend to get most of these)
-Shows you people that are 5 million miles away even though you set your preferences to a specific radius
-Photos can only be added to your profile if they are already on your Facebook

Bumble:
Pros:
-You an shake your phone to retrieve a match that you accidentally swiped left on
-Women have to send the first message
-Hotter guys
-Allows you to upload photos from your camera roll, Instagram, etc.

Cons:
-First message has to be sent within 24 hours of matching or you lose the match forever

Hinge:
Pros:
-More for relationships
-Nice layout of profiles
-Asks you for your interests and shows you individuals that have either the same or similar interests

Cons:
-Only gives you a small number of people to swipe through at a time
-First message has to be sent within 24 hours of matching or you lose the match forever (the Hinge team just changed this the other day, so now you have 14 days to connect with your matches)

Similarities between all the sites:
-Right and left swiping. Right means “like” or “yes” and left means “dislike” or “no”.
-They connected to your Facebook to gather your basic information and photos.
-You can choose the age range you’re looking for as well as the distance of your potential matches.

I’m back!

Hello everyone!

I know I’ve been gone for a hot minute but I’m back!

I’ve been extremely busy with school, work, an internship and just all the other shit life throws at you all at once. But since I’m almost done with school (I graduate this spring!) and I’m only taking courses related to my communications minor (less writing) I’ll have more time to write blog posts.

So let me catch you guys up on me stuff I’ve been doing.

I got an internship at a Long Beach newspaper called the Beachcomber and I’ve been here since the beginning of January. I’m loving it. My first story even made the front page!

I’ve also been working super hard in school to get the hell out of there and join the working force. And I’ve been busy working as a swim teacher on top of taking care of my grandpa, whom I live with.

But enough about me! I want to try and write at least one blog post a week. I think it should be pretty simple for me to do that even with my hectic schedule.

With that being said, I would love for you all to message me some blog ideas or even questions! I have tons of ideas that I want to write about but I know I’ll blow through those ideas in no time, so I need your help!

I’ll have a new blog post up by the end of this weekend, so keep an eye out for it!

Thanks so much for all the support,

Ronna White

Female masturbation

Last week I attending a school-run sex love workshop titled “Female Maturbation”.

Being a sex and relationship blogger and writer I was super excited to attend a workshop that directly addresses information that I find so intriguing and strongly support.

The man purpose of the workshop was to address these questions: “Why do you think maturbation is more acceptable for men than it is for women” and “What are the benefits of knowing how to sexually please yourself?” and “How can we make female maturbation a more acceptable topic?”

Before I address these questions I want to do a quick anatomy lesson.

What is generally called the vagina is actually the vulva. The vagina is the muscular tube leading from the external genitals to the cervix of the uterus while the vulva is the external genitals that include many major and minor anatomical structures like the labia majora (which are the outer lips), labia minora (which are the inner lips), clitoris, clitorial hood, mons publis (which is the fatty tissue found on the public bone), perineum (which the space between the vagina and anus, commonly called a taint or gooch), urinary meatus (which is known as the pee hole), and vaginal orfice.

So now that we know the difference between the vulva and the vagina, lets talk about the questions I stated above.

Why do you think maturbation is more acceptable for men than it is for women?
-Female maturbation is considered taboo to talk about and if you partake in mastubating as a female you are typically seems as “dirty”, which is completely not the case. It seems to be considered this way because of years and years of this type of thinking being reinforced. Female pleasure has always been considered a taboo subject, while male pleasure is a common topic to discuss. There are even some places in the world that still do female circumcisions where they remove the woman clitoris so that it is almost impossible for the victim to feel any sensation through her clitoris.

What are the benefits of knowing how to sexually please yourself?
-There are so many benefits to knowing how to please yourself. The biggest one is that it is a great way to figure out what you like and don’t like so that you can pass this information on to your partner, which enhances your communication in the bedroom. Another benefit is that maturbation helps relieve pain. A lot of women use maturbation to help with the pain caused by cramps and headaches. So basically maturbating is good for your heath. It can also can boost your self-esteem because it releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin during msturbation, which is the biggest release of these chemicals that is non-drug related. I could honestly list another 20 benefits but I think you get that maturbating is a big deal.

How can we make female maturbation a more acceptable topic?
-I personally think the best way to make female maturbation a more acceptable topic is to keep talking about it. We need to inform the uninformed, educate then uneducated, and answer questions that have been left unanswered. And the best way for us to do that is to create more workshops that allow people to go into a safe space for people to discuss their own insecurities, ask questions, and become educated on the subject. I also think it is extremely important that sex educators start talking about masturbation. They need to let younger people know that you aren’t “dirty” or “naughty” for touching yourself. It is natural and completely okay to maturbate. I feel that we’ve all been brainwashed into thinking that anything sexual is dirty and taboo and we really need to change that stigma by continuing to talk about it and normalizing it.

What is your opinion?

Women who watch porn

I was pretty young when I first started masturbating. I think I was in middle school when I discovered my clitoris and the wonderful world of orgasms. For a long time I masturbated purely from my imaginations alone but then it evolved into my looking up sexually explicit photos and videos. Most of the time I viewed porn with only women in it.

This got me thinking, why do girls tend to enjoy watching lesbian or solo female porn when they identify solely as being heterosexual?

So does watching lesbian porn mean that I secretly want to be with a woman?

Not necessarily. Sex therapist, Megan Fleming said, “Porn is a safe way to realize what turns you on, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do it in really life.”

Porn is a healthy way to explore your fantasies and discover what turns you on. Plus, lesbian porn tends to show clitoral and vaginal stimulation and since women tend to climax that way so it is a lot more appealing to women because they can identify with what they are watching. Lesbian porn seems to be more raw, honest, and sensual.

According to Women’s Health Magazine, women are 132 percent more likely to search for lesbian porn than men are. Most speculate that that is the case because lesbian porn is less likely to show degrading situations and tends to be more emotional and sensual.

So if you are a woman who enjoys lesbian porn, fear not, it does not mean you want to be a lesbian. But who cares if it did. There is nothing wrong with being with the same. Hell, women are super sexy. I don’t blame you.