Digital Dating

I recently went through a breakup with a guy that I had been seriously dating for around four years. It sucked but I survived.

But after I got through the ugly crying, constant bloodshot eyes and countless bottles of wines stage I started thinking about getting back out there. And the first thought that crossed my mind was, “Oh fuck” followed by “I don’t even remember how to date, let alone flirt with a guy.”

My ex was my first boyfriend and I was with him since I was 18 so I didn’t even remember how to approach a hot guy since I was used to just having him. I honestly didn’t even know where to start. So like any heartbroken and horny girl…I decided to download Tinder.

My experience with Tinder was pretty typical. I matched with quiet a lot of people, received countless unwanted dick pics and met up with some pretty chill guys. I wasn’t looking for anything serious but I also wasn’t looking for just a fuck buddy. (Which apparently are the only two types of guys that are on Tinder)

More recently I decided to download Bumble and Hinge since my friend suggested them to me and she loves living viciously through me. To be honest, I downloaded these two apps for research purposes only and I only kept them for about two weeks.

After exploring each app I found out there was a lot of similarities between the three “dating” apps. And I say “dating” apps in quotations because honestly most people use these apps to fuck or hookup. It’s the truth and we all know it. So to all the ladies saying, “I’m not like other girls” and the fellas saying, “NO HOOKUPS!” in their bio just stop and be honest about what you want. Everyone on these apps want to get it in. Yes, I understand there may be a few exceptions but for the most part this is the case.

I first checked out Bumble and I actually really liked it. It took me a little while to get the hang of it but once I did I went on a-swiping. I think I swiped right more on Bumble than I ever did on Tinder and I was on Tinder for months before I joined Bumble and I only had it for a week or two. So what I mean by that is there are SO many hot guys on Bumble, like so many that I honestly kept thinking, “Bumble must hire these hot guys to make profiles to get more girls on their apps.” There was a suspicious number of hot guys.

Hinge was a different story. I didn’t really like it at all. It only let you swipe through a small number of people before it would tell you to come back later to swipe more, which I thought was weird. The only thigk I liked about Hinge is the fact that it asks you “are you into ________” and you can click yes or no and it would show you more people that had similar interests.

So for the most part I enjoyed my experience with online or app “dating” but I personally had the most success on Tinder. I met a few guys that I literally only met up with to hook up with (because girls have needs to!) but I also met some cool guys that I’ve stayed friends with (strictly platonic). So I urge people to download literally every single “dating” site there is and find out which one fits your needs and run with it!

Here’s a list of the pros and cons of the sites that I researched!

Tinder:
Pros:
-Easy to use
-There are a large number of people on the app

Cons:
-There are a lot of automated messages from “fake” profiles (guys tend to get most of these)
-Shows you people that are 5 million miles away even though you set your preferences to a specific radius
-Photos can only be added to your profile if they are already on your Facebook

Bumble:
Pros:
-You an shake your phone to retrieve a match that you accidentally swiped left on
-Women have to send the first message
-Hotter guys
-Allows you to upload photos from your camera roll, Instagram, etc.

Cons:
-First message has to be sent within 24 hours of matching or you lose the match forever

Hinge:
Pros:
-More for relationships
-Nice layout of profiles
-Asks you for your interests and shows you individuals that have either the same or similar interests

Cons:
-Only gives you a small number of people to swipe through at a time
-First message has to be sent within 24 hours of matching or you lose the match forever (the Hinge team just changed this the other day, so now you have 14 days to connect with your matches)

Similarities between all the sites:
-Right and left swiping. Right means “like” or “yes” and left means “dislike” or “no”.
-They connected to your Facebook to gather your basic information and photos.
-You can choose the age range you’re looking for as well as the distance of your potential matches.

Women who watch porn

I was pretty young when I first started masturbating. I think I was in middle school when I discovered my clitoris and the wonderful world of orgasms. For a long time I masturbated purely from my imaginations alone but then it evolved into my looking up sexually explicit photos and videos. Most of the time I viewed porn with only women in it.

This got me thinking, why do girls tend to enjoy watching lesbian or solo female porn when they identify solely as being heterosexual?

So does watching lesbian porn mean that I secretly want to be with a woman?

Not necessarily. Sex therapist, Megan Fleming said, “Porn is a safe way to realize what turns you on, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do it in really life.”

Porn is a healthy way to explore your fantasies and discover what turns you on. Plus, lesbian porn tends to show clitoral and vaginal stimulation and since women tend to climax that way so it is a lot more appealing to women because they can identify with what they are watching. Lesbian porn seems to be more raw, honest, and sensual.

According to Women’s Health Magazine, women are 132 percent more likely to search for lesbian porn than men are. Most speculate that that is the case because lesbian porn is less likely to show degrading situations and tends to be more emotional and sensual.

So if you are a woman who enjoys lesbian porn, fear not, it does not mean you want to be a lesbian. But who cares if it did. There is nothing wrong with being with the same. Hell, women are super sexy. I don’t blame you.

Swingers

This blog post is going to be a little bit different from my previous ones. I talked to two different people about swingers, since I am no expert on the subject, to gain some insight about the wonderful world of swingers.

I talked to Laurie Bennett-Cook a licensed sex therapist and sexologist and Jason Major who is a writer and comedian, host of a live show/podcast called Jason Majors Sex Party, and swinger since 2000. (Check out his podcast at MajorSexParty.com)

This post is going to be in the form of a Q&A because I feel like it will be a lot more informative and come across better that way. Enioy.


Question: What is a swinger?

Laurie: Traditionally it’s a member of a couple (usually a married couple) who exchanges sexual partners for extracurricular excitement. Most couples who swing date and exchange partners with other couples. Exchanges take place at organized swinger parties and via online through sites such as Swinglifestyle.com

Many people tend to believe that anyone who identifies as being in a non-monogamous relationship is a swinger. This is not the case. There are several forms of non-monogamy and swinging is just one of many.

Jason: Swinging can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people. To me, swinging means a certain level of openness in my romantic relationship which allows myself and my female partner(s) to explore outside sexual relationships. To most people in the swinging lifestyle, there tends to be some aspect of partner swapping or group sex with other people. A lot of swingers tend to only have sex or “play” with others at parties, clubs, events or on specific dates. Myself and my current partners are also open/polyamorous meaning that we not only have play time with other people at parties, but maintain other romantic relationships, as well. I personally prefer to have some kind of relationship with the women I play with, but a lot of swingers prefer the party scene specifically because there can be some anonymity.

Question: What are the benefits/drawbacks of being a swinger?

Laurie:Benefits:
-Become an expert in communication with your partner
-Variety
-Excitement
-Personal growth
-Relationship growth
-Infidelity less likely
-Sexual openness
-Greater levels of trust
-Greater levels of honesty
-Safely explore fantasies
Drawbacks:
-Wake up emotional vulnerabilities/insecurities that neither partner was previously aware of.
-Face any jealousy issues head on

Every couple is its own unique design and dynamic. Only the couple themselves can determine whether or not Swinging will enhance or deteriorate their relationship.

Jason: Let me start with the drawbacks. First is the obvious. Jealousy. I think that every swinger/poly/open person still feels jealousy, but they experience this feeling differently. Rather than experiencing only the negatives, they are able to translate those feelings into a positive experience, much in the way that someone who enjoys impact play or BDSM experiences the pain as pleasure. Obviously, this is not for everyone, but I think that a lot of people would find the experience of watching their partner with someone else kinda hot, if they didn’t feel like it would be a destructive force in their relationship.

Second drawback that I can think of is the increased risk of sexually transmitted infections or any of the other health issues that can occur with sex. Obviously, the more sexual partners you have, the more likely you may be exposed to something. Condoms are very big in the swing world. So, is STD testing. I get a full battery of testing twice a year. Of course, those tests would only tell me anything after I was already infected, but it allows me to be responsible should I catch anything. For the record, I have not had a sexually transmitted infection in the almost 15 years I’ve been doing this. I have known some people in the lifestyle who have come down with things like chlamydia or gonorrhea, but there were only a couple of incidents like this and all parties involved were honest with their play partners, careful in their treatment and they did not knowingly pass the infection on. I’d go so far as to say that I have seen consistently far worse behavior among my single non-swinger friends. In the swing world, the overwhelming majority of us work hard to stay healthy and do everything we can to play responsibly.

Benefits are many. I have found that it has made my romantic relationships stronger. I’ve seen this in other swinger couples, as well. I believe that the ability to feel freedom and be sexually adventurous can make partners less likely to get bored with their sex lives. Also, having multiple romantic partners can mean that both the physical and emotional stuff gets spread out. Some people might be unhappy with this, but I feel like it takes the pressure off of my romantic relationships. I don’t have to be all things to my girlfriend, nor she to me. Plus, I don’t need to end one relationship to start another. If there is a crush or attraction, there is freedom to explore those feelings rather than bury them down deep. This includes openly talking about those feelings with my girlfriend. And often, when you actually get a chance to scratch that particular itch it kinda goes away.

Obviously, I’ve also had some pretty amazing sexual experiences. And I think that has made me a significantly better lover. Everyone is different, so each new sexual partner adds something new to my experience level.

Also, I feel like it has increased my confidence greatly. When I first got into the swinging lifestyle I was very insecure about my body and I thought that I was extremely unattractive. At my first swing party, I discovered that while not every woman might be into me, there were definitely women who did find me sexy. And they were interested in showing me. That was a game changer. And it also taught me that rejection wasn’t the end of the world. But also that I shouldn’t reject myself. I’ve hooked up with women far hotter than a schlub like me should be capable of. The key was asking and being confident in myself.

Question: Does being a swinger affect romantic relationships positively and.ore negatively?

Laurie: It depends on the relationship. For some it is absolutely detrimental. For some it has little effect. And for others it can allow for growth and closeness. Many times “swinging” isn’t what causes the problem but rather figuring out what form of non-monogamy (if any at all) works for all parties in the relationship. If a couple is struggling in their relationship I always advise they stay clear of any form of non-monogamy. It’s like Grad School relationship and requires a level of communication and understanding that most are not ready for; capable of; or willing to pursue.

Jason: I’ve really only had positive things to say about how swinging impacts my relationships. I’ve had a number of relationships since I started swinging, including monogamous relationships where my partner was not a swinger. In all cases, the swinging wasn’t the reason the relationships ended. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the swinging is not just a whim, but more of a deep part of my sexuality. Could I live without it? Sure. Would I be happier with partners who were not only tolerant of this lifestyle, but enthusiast participants? Of course!

Also, it’s pushed me to be more honest with my partners. I realize that this isn’t for everyone, so when I meet a lady who I am interested in I make damn sure to disclose as quickly as possible. Definitely before first kiss sort of thing. Not like it’s something horrible she needs to be aware of, but more like it’s a fun, sexy fact of who I am. Another empowering thing is that more often than not this does not appear to be a deal breaker. And if it is? So what. I don’t want a partner to put up with this if she hates it any more than I want to hide away this aspect of my sexuality.

Question: How and why did you become a swinger?

Jason: I sort of stumbled into it. Met a woman online that I was attracted to and she invited me to a party she was throwing. She became a good friend and I was introduced to the wide world of wonderful perversion. As to the why? That’s a difficult question to answer. I’m not a jealous person, by nature. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. I’m a bit of a voyeur. There are any number of things that attracted me to the lifestyle, but I continue to do it because it brings me great joy. There are bad times and the occasional terrible people, but overall it’s a lot of fun. And the vast majority of the people I’ve met through the lifestyle have been great. There are people who stumble into the scene for the wrong reasons, but the ones who stick around tend to be very thoughtful people. Or giant horn dogs, of course.

Question: What are some misconceptions and stereotypes that swingers face?

Jason: That we’re all sex fiends who can’t control ourselves. That we’re sex addicts. That we’re lascivious monsters who will take advantage of anyone. The truth is that the swing community depends on making people, especially the ladies involved, as comfortable as possible. If everyone is all nervous and creeped out, then no one is having any fun. A good swing club or party will always do it’s best to ensure that everyone is comfortable and that no one is made to feel pressured from unwanted advances. In fact, there are often limits on drugs and alcohol with the understanding that consent can’t be given if you’re too fucked up.

Questions: How and where do you meet other swingers?

Jason: Most swingers hookup via the internet these days. There are dedicated sites for the swinger community. Some are better than others. I’ve also had more than a little success meeting women through an online dating website that allows people to identify as varying levels of monogamous or non-monogamous. I’ve also met other swingers a lot through swing parties. You got to the same party or club enough and you get to know the regulars… For better or for worse. 🙂 The swing population is pretty wide and varied… You’d be surprised who you meet. We’re everywhere!

X-Rated Valentines Day Ideas

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to step out of your comfort zone and break your normal sexual routines.

When the day is winding down, after you’ve showered your significant other in mushy gushy gifts and kisses, make your way home for a night of real fun using these X-rated tips.

Before you do anything, be sure to set the scene and mood for the night; go overboard on the candles, make sure the sex toys are easily accessible, and cover the floor in rose pedals. “It’s all about sensuality – the stimulation of the five senses,” said Dr. Eve, a sexpert and sex therapist from Sea Point, “Get some aromatic oils, screw in a red light bulb to give the bedroom a different sort of feel or put on some sexy music.” A little romance makes a night of erotic fun even more pleasurable.

1. Watch porn together and do as they do
Make your way over to Porn Hub, the largest pornography website on the internet, and pick an interesting film to mimic. This is a great way to expand your sex life and try something new and adventurous.

2. Explore and fulfill your partners sexual fantasies
Talk to your partner and find out what they have always wanted to do. Whether it’s role-playing, using bondage in the bedroom, or even just a new sex position, try it out and make their dreams come true.

3. Bring food into the bedroom
“Create an erotic buffet and eat light finger foods off of your partner’s hot body,” said Jessica O’Reilly, a sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. Grab some whip cream, chocolate covered strawberries, champagne, and even pop rocks to add a spark to your routine sex life.

4. Give and receive a sexy massage
Whip out the edible massage oil and give your partner a full-body rub down. If you know what I mean.

5. Grab a pair of sex dice and let the games begin
Roll the dice to see your future. Lick, kiss, suck, or rub your partner’s mouth, neck, ears, or unmentionables. Let the dice decide.

6. Grab the fuzzy handcuffs, bondage, blindfolds, whip, and anything else to take a stab at the wonderful world of BDSM (Bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism). Then turn your significant other 50 shades of red with your dirty talk.

At home date night

There are just some days that you do not feel like going out yet you still want to do something. We’ve all been there, but what options do you have? Here are a few at home date night ideas:

1. Binge watch Netflix
Pop some popcorn, grab a blanket, an snuggle up next to your hot date and catch up on all 8 seasons of the show you’ve been dying to watch in one evening.

2. Build a fort
Make an elaborate fort out of blankets and couch cusions. Get cozy and have a steamy makeout sesh.

3. Take a relaxing bath
Draw a bubble bath, light some candles and spend some quality time relaxing in the warm water with each other.

4. Give each other a massage
Dim the lights, bring out the massage oils, and get rubbin’.

5. Cook dinner
Prep and make dinner together and later….you can be the dessert.

6. Play a game
Try something new like strip poker or whip out those sex dice that you have been holding onto.

You don’t always have to venture out when you’re looking for a good time. Sometimes you don’t even have to leave your bed to have a blast. If you get what I mean 😉