Self-Love by Someone Who Hates Themself

All relationships are important. Whether they are platonic or romantic; we hold so much value in the relationships we form with others.

But the most important relationship that we all hold, is also the one that we tend to neglect the most. This is the relationship we have with ourselves.

I’ve struggled with self-love and self-esteem issues for almost my entire life. So I know that the relationship we have with ourselves typically affects every single aspect of our lives. It can affect our mood, our actions, our words and even how we live our day to day lives.IMG_4170

I can tell you firsthand that when you view yourself as ugly, not worthy or even disgusting you tend to become more depressed and can even isolate yourself from others.

But at the same time, when you make small steps to change your mentality about yourself the changes in the way you view yourself can be monumental.

I have tried almost everything to learn how to love and accept myself for who I am. I’ve gone as drastic as starving myself for weeks on end and working out until I couldn’t breathe. To as simple as throwing myself at men in hopes that their attention would make me feel better. But each time I failed.

And the reason I failed was that at the end of the day I really didn’t believe that I was beautiful or strong or enough for anyone. I still was doubtful even though I was trying to take steps at loving myself.

I didn’t believe in myself at all. The thought of me failing was always in the back of my mind and it always slowly crept up on me.

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Photo by: @conspirateurs

With all that being said, I’ve tried it all. But even though I have failed 10,000 times I still keep on trying. I now feel like I have the confidence in myself to finally learn to accept me for me.

I know that self-love and self-acceptance are a lifelong practice, and though I am only 25 I have learned so much so far in my journey.

Below are some self-love practices that have made me feel empowered, evincible and truly forced me see the beauty in myself; whether it be my outer or inner.

Yoga

For the past few months, I have been practicing yoga about two times per week. Yoga has allowed me to discover the beauty of my body by showing me how strong I actually am. At the beginning of my journey I could barely hold a balancing pose and now I have seen so much progress in not only my balance but also my flexibility and strength. But the practice of yoga is not the only thing that has helped me discover this, it’s also my instructor Shauna (@Kalanyoga). She has honestly taught me so much about not only the practice but also about my own self. She constantly incorporates empowering and inspirational messages into her practice. At the start of each class she invites us to set an intention, so each time I tell myself, “learn to love yourself”. And at the end of class she closes it with, “may we look within for validation and self-awareness. May we speak words of truth, kindness and encouragement. May we be the change we wish to see in the world.” These three simple phrases seal our practice on such a positive note that constantly leaves me feeling empowered and proud of myself.

Therapy

Back in high school, I started seeing a therapist because my depression and self-esteem issues were getting worse and I didn’t know how to handle them on my own. My therapist recommended that I start a daily journal and a self-help book called “Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance” by Rosie Molinary. Each day I would read the corresponding except. The author advises you to either write from the question she presented or try something new. This forced me to think about my self-worth on a daily basis, which allowed me to find the tools to finally learn to accept and love myself. I currently do not go to a therapist for my issues but I am rereading “Beautiful You”. Sometimes you just need someone who is unbiased to listen to you or provide you with the tools change your thought process about yourself. Although I know I am strong-willed and more than capable to learn to love myself, it can be tough. Some days are so much easier than others. But I know for me, talking to someone who believes me and makes sure to validate my feelings about myself helps wonders.

Daily Affirmations

One of the hardest things for me to do is tell myself I’m beautiful or that I am worthy. The reason why it’s so hard is because when I say it, I don’t believe myself. If you’re like me, then this one is going to be tough. Affirmations are a great way to change the way you think. When you put something out into the universe it usually comes back to you. This is called the law of attraction. So when you put negative thoughts out into the universe you typically receive negativity back. And when you put positivity into the universe you typically receive positivity back. It’s as simple as that. So for me, when I tell myself I am beautiful or strong or have a great ass, I don’t necessarily believe it (except for the ass part, I definitely believe that!). But the fact that I am speaking positive and empowering things about myself into the universe helps me because it eventually comes back to me later in the form of something else. And when this happens I feel one step closer to finally believing the words I am saying to myself. But if you don’t feel comfortable saying these words out loud to yourself each morning you can always write yourself a sticky note and leave it on your mirror so then you are forced to see it each day. In the beginning, I couldn’t force myself to say anything positive so I would write myself a message on my mirror in dry erase marker each morning. And seeing a message saying “I am beautiful” while looking into the mirror, even though you might not feel that way at the time, will eventually force you to see that you are truly beautiful.

Read

Kind of going back to the therapy bullet point. When your world seems so bleak and dysfunctional sometimes the only thing that can help you is to escape it for a little. The easiest way for me to escape my reality is by reading. When I find a book that captivates me it’s like a movie is going on in my head. All my worries, frustrations, anxieties and thoughts of self-doubt all see to melt away while I’m reading. Bonus tip: grab a glass of ginger ale (or wine), light a few candles and read while in a bubble bath!

Give yourself time

Know that self-love and self-acceptance are a journey, and boy can it be a bumpy one. Changing the way you see or feel about yourself takes time, practice and patience (which I have none of). It’s easy to be hard on yourself when going through this journey but realizing you’re not perfect and mistakes will happen will only help you. Allow yourself to make mistakes or have a few hiccups without being so hard on yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done. But this journey won’t happen overnight, so you have to allow yourself the time to heal from the negative image you currently see yourself as.

Orgasm

When all else fails, don’t give up. Give yourself an orgasm. Discovering your body is one of the quickest ways to self-love and self-acceptance. When I was in college I had a human sexuality teacher that had all the women go home and grab a hand-held mirror to look at their vaginas. Like actually LOOK at their vaginas. Most women tend to hate the way their vaginas look so she wanted us to explore the beauty of our own vaginas. To be honest, this was the first time I had ever actually seen my vagina. I mean, yes, I had seen my it before, but not like this. So I encourage every woman to do the same. And when you are done discovering yourself discover yourself again with an orgasm! When you orgasm your brain is flooded with oxytocin, which is also referred to as the “love hormone”. It plays a huge role in how we bond with others as well. So when you give yourself an orgasm it can help you bond with yourself, which will then lead you to love yourself more.

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These are only a few ways that have helped me along my journey with self-love and self-acceptance. I also really enjoy having some alone time browsing through Target or TJ Maxx or hanging out with my girlfriends or taking my parents out to dinner.

There is no right way to learn to love and accept yourself. Each person’s journey is their own and is completely unique to themselves.

So I encourage everyone to find out what works best for them and practice it daily.

I would love to hear how you all practice self-love and self-acceptance!

The hummer

Want to try something new in the bedroom without having to step out of your comfort zone? Give your guy a hummer!

A hummer is when you give a guy a blowjob and make a “hmm” or “mmm” sound for a few seconds at a time while continuing to suck his penis. Humming while giving a blowjob increases stimulation due to the vibrating sensation.

This technique is a little different than a typical blowjob because it allows your guy to not only have his penis sucked or stroked but it also gives your guy the sensation of vibration. The lower the pitch the slower the vibration and vice versa.

To make the vibration sensation even more intense focus on the head of the penis. It will drive your man insane.

Pap smears

I had my very first Pap smear today.

“A Pap smear, also called a Pap test, is a procedure to test for cervical cancer in women. A Pap smear involves collecting cells from your cervix — the lower, narrow end of your uterus that’s at the top of your vagina.” Courtesy of mayoclinic.org

Pap smears are important because they test for cervical cancer. Detecting cervical cancer early give you a greater change at a cure. A Pap smear can also detect changes in your cervical cells which can potentially develop into cancer in the future.

So let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I currently do not have insurance and my family has always struggled with money so I take full advantage of all the things Planned Parenthood has to offer.(Maybe I’ll write another entry solely on Planned Parenthood and their services) One of those services is a free Pap smear.

I went into this appointment not really knowing what a Pap smear was or what it was for. Honestly, all I knew what that there was going to be some random doctors fingers in my vagina. So naturally I was kind of nervous.

At first everything was like a normal doctors visit. Blood pressure: check, weight: check, temperature: check. All normal. Then I was asked to take my clothes off and put on a paper gown. Usually when you have to put on a paper gown you get to keep on either your underwear or bra. Not this time. They wanted me completely naked.

I underdressed and sat on the exam table waiting for the doctor to return. At this point I was getting nervous. I mean, I do not mind being naked but having some stranger look around in my vagina while I lie there helpless just does not seem like a good time to me. But it honestly was not bad at all.

My doctor was extremely personable and knowledgeable. She made me feel comfortable. She first listened to my heartbeat and checked my lungs. Just some simple routine stuff. She then asked me to lie down with my hands behind my head. She started feeling my breast for lumps and was constantly telling me everything she was doing and informing me on how to do self exams at home. (Side note: you should be checking your breasts, both men and women, daily for lumps, odd discoloration, or sensitivity. Lumps can happen during menstruation for women so ride our your period and if the lumps do not go away after go see your doctor right away ladies.)

I was then directed to place my feet in stirrups with half of my butt hanging off of the exam table so that the doctor could get a good view. She check the outside of my vagina for inflamed lymph nodes; all clear. Your lymph nodes are located on the side of each of your vaginal lips. Right where your thighs and vagina meet.

She then proceeded to check inside my vagina: once again all clear. This is the part that most people find uncomfortable. She inserted a speculum into my vagina and opened it up. The speculum is not wider than the average sized penis so there was not any discomfort, just pressure. She warned me that I would feel a lot of pressure and possibly even cramping when she inserted the brush to take a swab of my cervix tissue. Honestly, I felt a lot of pressure but it was very quick so there was no discomfort.

She then removed the speculum and inserted one or two fingers into my vagina and felt my cervix. She used one hand to feel my cervix from inside my vagina and the other on top of my lower stomach/vagina.

And then, I was done.

It was as simple as that. She said I would get my test results in about a week and they would let me know if I was all clear of cancer/potential cancer.

The doctor also informed me that Pap smears should be given every three years started at the age of 21.

Having someone feel around in your vaginal can be a bit strange and uncomfortable but it is honestly worth it. I would rather be uncomfortable for 10 minutes and know that I am cancer free than be uncomfortable for years during chemotherapy.

So ladies, go get a Pap asap!

The female orgasm

The female orgasm is a tricky thing. Some girls can achieve an orgasm with ease and for others it’s extremely difficult. Only about 30 percent of woman actually have achieved a vaginal orgasm. Which mean they can achieve an orgasm without any clitoral stimulation, just purely vaginal penetration and stimulation. That means 70 percent of woman are either achieving orgasms with the help of clitoral stimulation or they are not orgasming. According to WebMD.com 10 percent of women have never reached an orgasm.

Trying to achieve an orgasm can be difficult for women due to many factors. Medical conditions, side effects from certain medications, hormonal deficiency, partner issues, lack of exercise, smoking, drinking, sleeping disorders, and much more can make achieving an orgasm extremely difficult.

I personally have a hard time achieving an orgasm. I have been taking birth control since I was in 7th grade (period issues) and on anti-depressants since my senior year of high school (I am now 21-years-old). Both of these medications can influence your sex drive, sensitivity, and your ability to reach climax.

During my first year of college I took a human sexuality class that opened my eyes and mind to the wonderful world of sex. This class pushed me to not only explore my own body but also explore outside of the classroom walls. I went to a sex seminar at the local Condom Revolution where they had a guess speaking. The only thing I took away from this experience was that the guest speaker pretty much said, “If you’re on birth control and antidepressants at the same time then it’s almost impossible for you to reach an orgasm.”

Horrible news for me, am I right?

Luckily, my amazing boyfriend of 3 years is a fantastic lover. He is constantly putting my sexual needs before his own, which means I get oral pretty much whenever I want it. Pretty awesome, huh? I mean I am not complaining.

But just because my boyfriend is very attentive to me does not mean I orgasm every single time we are intimate. The fact that I lack a lot of sensitivity in my vagina and breast and that I cannot finish every time sometimes hurts my boyfriends feelings. It makes him feel as if I am not sexually attracted to him. But that it not the case at all. The combination of medications that I am on have lowered my sex drive, decreased my sensitivity, and have made it extremely hard for me to cum.

People need to realize that 70 percent of woman do not reach an orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. That percentage does not factoring in other obstacles which would make that percentage even higher.

Realizing and accepting the fact that a huge percentage of woman have problems climaxing will lead to a better sex life in my opinion. The girl will hopefully get a little more attention and have the focus of sex be her and the guys ego will be soaring due to making his girl orgasm. When sex is unselfish, it is mind blowing.